One of the things I really wish I could do is split my focus into two. To have my brain just divide up my attention while I’m focusing on other things simultaneously. Wouldn’t it be nice if I could just read that manga while at the same time understanding everything that I’m doing and being able to perform, nonetheless at 100% efficiency, even though I’m looking at something else?

Right now, for example, I’m looking at Islands of Stars and Chains and trying to see if I can write a full essay while creating this document, speaking to myself while the words appear on the page. Is it possible for me to actually create anything of depth while I’m doing that? I would hope so, but it seems to me that there would be a sacrifice of the quality of content that I might produce along the way, in the middle of creating this kind of piece, just because my attention is not completely there and I am trying to understand multiple things at the same time.

Is it a skill, or is it just the case that I’m gaslighting myself about my ability to actually do this kind of thought splitting while reading the manga that I’m reading? I don’t know. It would actually be nice if I were able to just create while splitting my thoughts, never really thinking too much about what I create, because that would imply that my effective time spent just creating would be able to double – That even in the midst of leisure I’d be able to train and create and just enjoy the things that I enjoy looking at.

I don’t really know if it’s possible to do that. I imagine that the less you focus on actually pushing yourself into the deeper states of mind, the less you’d be able to so-called multitask. I also think that if you were truly focusing on everything that goes into creating the finest product, you might get a better result, but I’m not so sure anymore. Sometimes it’s not just about having the deepest focus, but it’s also about being able to function in the middle of your distracted thoughts. That’s true of each person, I think, to different degrees, but I wonder if there’s a sustained trend that I’m supposed to be able to logically apprehend.

I remember reading in an online course by Yale University that sometimes having unstructured thoughts come together is key to producing things. Ideas do not come about just by sitting down and having things blend together through sustained focus. There is a space for that kind of sustained thought, but there is also a space for the kind of free-flowing thinking that comes with functioning in the moment, anticipating completions, and seeing what seems logical in that moment.

I might imagine that they are fundamentally different systems, but I often wonder if it is possible to integrate them with one another, or if there is a porosity between them that training and skill can develop. I do not know the answer to that question, but it seems wonderful to imagine a scenario where I could just speak out extremely informational, conceptually powerful, and rhetorically powerful pieces from my head with nothing more than the impulses of my mind trained on creating whatever comes next as my eyes close and I recite what perhaps was always meant to be said, as the late poet Homer did in taking inspiration from the muse.

Perhaps that is wishful thinking, or perhaps it is not. At bottom, scientists have theories, empirical verifications, and all sorts of other tools. Statistical patterns reveal genuine realities, but they can only speak to a limited degree about individual capacity. What truly are my limits, and if they do exist, what hard bounds do they place on my ability to speak, to function, to draw out parts of my intellect or soul which I had not sought out before?

I would love to be able to let my shower thoughts take over and just talk to the screen while creating project after project, feeling like I’m not really working even as I’m working. Maybe that’s a piece of wishful thinking.

Focus is important, and it has a role. All too often, just being distracted doesn’t cut it. You do have to give your heart and your soul into it.

Maybe that’s something that does happen to be possible if you reach a certain level of skill where everything goes on autopilot after an escape velocity is reached, and your ability just skyrockets – You can create what you want to create in a time that you have to create it, without even thinking about it. I think that would be absolutely wonderful. I don’t know if that’s possible, though. 

Who’s to say?

As you know, I recently lost quite a lot of weight, maintaining all of my muscle ever since the beginning of the year – people consider it a great success and I do as well, but the question arises:

Why did I have to lose weight again in the first place?

It was because I fell off.

Succeeding at something is always temporary, it is fleeting; the person who becomes fit, intelligent, strong, or rich occupies the position only for a brief while, whether “brief” in the sense of the 70+ year median lifespan that notates the lease on a human existence, or for the months or years that attend complacency after the euphorias of success.

From trying to lose weight and succeeding and losing it again, I’ve come to realize that life is about our little equilibria – the things that we maintain and keep up at little mental cost because they are habit; the things we repeatedly do so much to the point that it’s unthinkable that we wouldn’t do them; the workout, the music practice, the sales process, the managing of people, the filming, the socializing – everything is about those little equilibria and refining them.

I was able to cut down from 79kg in November 2025 to 69 in March because I understood that fact, and I managed to live it out – but does that mean that I’ve managed to reach an equilibrium?

Could I repeat the set of activities that have led to my being able to achieve this result without thinking about it, without worrying, without even considering the question of whether I need X, Y, or Z with no deep application of effort because it all comes naturally?

I think I need to grow along the way to make it happen, but I think we’re getting there 🙂